Thursday, 18 September 2014
Mommy of one and only
I have a 7 year old daughter. I have a boyfriend of 12 years. She is our only child and she is pretty damn near perfect. I couldn't tell you how often we hear, "when are you guys having another one?" For me the answer is clear and unwavering. NEVER.
Why? I have a million reasons. But when it comes down to it. It's because I am selfish.
When I think about the first week I found out I was pregnant, I was sick. Every. Single. Day. Horribly sick. I never got the beautiful "glow." My hair wasn't luscious. My skin wasn't flawless. I gained 60 lbs. My already huge boobs were gross and seemed to double in size. I got crazy stretch marks. The 9 months felt like 9 years and I spent the last month watching my body swell thinking of one thing. How? How is this thing coming out of me? As bad as pregnancy was, my delivery was a whole other story.
At first I thought, "oh i got this"...."its not that bad, I can handle this"....that lasted til about hour 5. After that, I begged for some drugs. They refused. Walked miles around and around the hospital waiting to dilate stopping every few minutes to drop to the floor crying, This usually happened right in front of the waiting room too which was great for all the pregnant ladies to see what was coming for them. After 20 hrs of blinding pain a doctor gave in and gave me an epidural. I never would have thought the best feeling in my whole life would be a huge needle in my spine. As the hours went by, I was getting pretty tired but wasn't in crazy pain so I was able to relax a little.....until I started feeling the tiniest bit of pressure start to build. The lovely nurse tells me "great, its time to start pushing.......so we can't top up your epidural. It will slow things back down."
Wait...what? What does that mean?
I'll tell you what it means. It means all that pain you just had masked and hidden away will now hit you full force like a mack truck. It's so incredibly overwhelming it feels like you're on the edge of death and all you can do is just close your eyes and let it consume. 2 hours, and 8 stitches later, a 9.9oz beautiful baby girl was put in my arms. We were expecting a boy.
It took me until she turned 2 to even start to think I had a grasp on things. I failed at breastfeeding. She never slept for more then 3 hrs at a time. I didn't lose my pregnancy weight til she turned 4 or 5. And now at 7, she is a curious, smart witted, animal loving, beautiful girl with a good head on her shoulders. She's hilarious, has a great attitude and she is so creative. She excels at school, reads and writes and everyone loves her. Me especially. So all that pain and torture, all the hours of missed sleep, all the self doubt and times I thought I had no idea what I was doing. Was it worth it? Absofrickinlutely. Will I do it again? The answer is a clear and unwavering...